I see your antics. I hear the yelling. The dramatic, over the top, attention seeking ways. I feel your anger, the wrath that can’t quickly be explained. I witness the outbursts.
I see the tears. I hear the apology. I feel the pain of coming to terms with the actions took in a moment of rage, the inquiry of , “Am I crazy?”
The questions are always the same:
“Why can’t I make this stop?”
“Am I an unlovable person?”
“Is this person worth letting my guard down?”
“What if I get hurt?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
You see not everyone knows your scars. They don’t know the load you carry. They don’t realize the hardships you’ve faced. They don’t see the world from where you stand.
We’re all quick to say we don’t judge others but who can really stand true to that? Who can really verify that they dig deep and get to know a person? Know why they respond to situations the way they do. Know what causes such extreme behavior. Know what triggers to look for and when they can help a situation or when they need to back down and give space. Sure it’s easy being an outsider and labeling someone as “crazy” or “loud” but maybe there’s more to it than that. Maybe that crazy person just needs love.
As I’ve come to terms with my anxiety and opened up to those close to me I’ve realized that I needed to allow myself to be loved. Rather than being self destructive and constantly having my guard up, I had to accept that I (luckily) had a partner in life who was and is willing to help me when I have my moments of “crazy.” I have someone who stands by my side on the bad days. I have someone who holds me while I cry because I can’t think straight or the past is haunting me yet again. I have someone who supports me when I fail at being the partner I was designed to be. I have someone who was willing to take the time and effort to get to know my crazy and stick with it.
In today’s time it’s very easy to dismiss people when there’s something wrong with them, when they have scars from the past, or a heavy burden to bear. It’s become effortless to find other options rather than seek solace in meaningful relationships that are built on trust and communication. We, as a society, are becoming accustom to replacing things that are broken rather than giving them a little TLC to make them new again. We’re not willing to put time and energy into something right in front of us when we have option A, B, or C waiting just a ‘click’ away. We then throw around the label “crazy” to justify a breakup and put blame on someone else for having emotional attachment fully knowing the effort they put forth by sharing a piece of who they are.
To the other crazies out there, I see you and I feel for you. I know the questions and concerns you have. I know the days are long and hope seems hard to come by but I assure you, you’ll break down those walls. Whether you break them down yourself or you find a partner who helps you, I promise you’re not crazy…you’re just you.